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I just want it all to stop

September 17, 2011 By 12 Comments

WARNING, HONEST DISCUSSION OF SUICIDE

Please do not read any further if this will bother you.

Today has been a bad day. My wife’s motorbike broke down again, which is likely to be expensive. My own motorbike has to get through it’s MOT tomorrow, which it may or may not do without repairs, and then it needs taxing, so that is going to be expensive. Then I found out that I actually do owe upwards of £1,750 to the council in overpaid housing benefit. We gave them every single payslip that my wife got so that they knew what our income was, but they still managed to build up a massive backlog of overpayments.

This has triggered another round of bad depression. And it has got very bad. Earlier I just sat there frozen and unmoving, thoughts spiralling round and round about how bad things are. I want everything to stop. I have not only decided how to kill myself, but also how to make sure that it works and doesn’t just end up with me in hospital, or dying slowly and painfully from liver failure. I don’t want to hurt myself to get help, because I’ve already got all the help that I am going to get. If I do it, I want it to work so that I don’t have to deal with this any more.

But I don’t actually want to die. In fact I am terrified that I might go through with it and succeed. I just want everything to stop being shit. When my depression is bad I can’t really tell the difference.

I know that I have many reasons to keep trying. For some reason, my wife loves me. I’ve been sick the whole eleven years that we have been married. She is now my carer as well as working full time to support us both. I am so sick at the moment that I can do hardly anything for myself; she cooks, cleans, does the shopping, and everything else. And she is only stuck in a crappy minimum wage job instead of teaching because she has stayed around to look after me. And yet she loves me, and will be hurt if I die. I don’t understand that. My family, too, seem to like having me around in spite of all that I need them to do for me.

Then there is the work that I do in campaigning for fair treatment for other sick and disabled people. All that I can do is shout, try to get people to notice what is going on. I write on this blog, and I tweet, and I write letters to MPs and MEPs and peers, and I make videos, and pass information to people that need it. It isn’t much, but apparently it has made a difference to some. My actions have helped others and I am grateful to have that chance. If what I have done as resulted in the main path out of Badsey become wheelchair accessible, in peers and MPs becoming aware of legislation that they oppose, of other people getting information that helps them to get the help they need, then I am happy to have achieved something worthwhile.

This evening someone else said something that struck me. “ I’m insignificant, its the people i energise that are important.” I replied with “I beg to differ. You are important in your own right, no matter how many people you help.” Then I paused to think about what I had just said. I just can’t make myself believe that about myself. I think it must be true, but it’s the impact on other people that matters to me.

In the end, only one thing actually snapped me out of this depression for now. And that was the thought of hugging and kissing my wife. And when she got home I hugged her for as long as I was physically able to. I can’t die, because I can’t hurt her. And next time I’m this depressed, please, remind me of that.

Now please excuse me, I have to go and hug my wife.

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  • aeroplane

    I stumbled on this via Twitter as I’ve had a close relative affected by mental illness. They now passed away but I’m so grateful that it never ended up being through suicide as it would have been so hard to deal with. I still love them. And I would never change anything from my perspective in terms of life, although I wish for them they had had peace of mind when they had been alive for their sake. But they were who they are and it’s also contributed to me being me. Enough about me though. I just want to say that although this may appear a bleak post there’s so much positivity in here. Obviously the amazing work you do and the impact this has for others. Some things may seem small but they have the power to make a big difference. If this is even for one person it’s worth an immeasurable amount. And the love around you. Don’t question it. True love is unconditional and asks for nothing. Things can get bleak and there are straws that appear back breaking. But things pass. Everything does. Good times (to be savoured and appreciated) and bad. The ebb and flow of life. So cling on to all that hope. When I was upset the relative I told you of would say ‘Joy and sorrow woven fine, clothing for a soul divine, and when this we rightly know, safely through the world we go.’ It helped. Just want to say cling to that hope. And keep hugging your wife.

  • http://www.facebook.com/elainee3 Elaine Edwards

    I’ve been feeling really quite similar feelings but I don’t have many people close by who do like having me around, although I do have my dog and he has been annoying me by getting all concerned as I cried…so many overwhelming things coming up for so many people in different ways. I had a facebook friend reach out to me as I expressed a tiny bit of the despair I was feeling. we talked about how harsh things can be without talking of the it of it, it helped us both in that moment. We all have a lot to bear at the moment it seems and so few seem to care of the plights of others at times. I wanted to escape this overwhelm earlier…having emotions recognised and cared about helped release that feeling of being so alone and lead into a giggle about a lighter hearted look at the bigger picture.

    I like what areoplane says…

    I think when we do reach out in our humanity and find care comes back it helps us deal with the ugly inhumanity that is being thrust into our lives even more shockingly these days.

    my head has gone to mush again but just want to send a bit of unconditional love your way…you have good things to live for and so do I, it is just harder to see at times than others…*hug*

  • Anonymous

    You’re a great guy Steve. I for one am glad you haven’t succumbed to the temptation of suicide. I know from my own experience how compelling those thoughts can be. I know we only know each other via Twitter (so far), but most days you make me smile at some point. Multiply that by everyone who knows you or knows of you and… you see what I mean. Your wife is definitely worth living for, and we will remind you of that as often as is necessary. But so is everybody whom you touch in some way. Stay strong and keep being honest.

  • http://twitter.com/superfurryandy Andy Bean

    We have differing symptoms, but I have considered the same ‘cure’ many times. And yet I don’t. Like you say it’s not about dying, it’s about wanting the pain to stop, wanting to escape by any means necessary. And yet you carry on, the realisation that you don’t actually want to die somehow overcomes the ‘need’ to do so. The reasons you have given are relevant, but I believe that  it is also a selfish thing, in a good way. Depression is all about being selfish, we can’t help it, you have to do what you can to protect yourself. But ultimately that works for you when you add things up and realise that yeah, I do make a difference to others, it would hurt people if I went, especially *this way*. The ‘selfishness’ then kicks in, *I* can’t bear to hurt those people cos *I* would feel so bad about it, not ‘Hey, I do actually have some worth!’. But it’s a start, an acknowledgement that you do have some sort of point in continuing to exist, and also an acknowledgement and recognition of how you are feeling, which is vital. And there’s also a stubbornness, a refusal to be beaten, a strength that appears and enables fight rather than flight. The mere fact that you have posted this shows that strength, the fact that you want to engage shows that fight.  

    And, yes, it’s nigh on impossible to take your own advice to others – physician heal thyself? Pfft! 

    Ach, I have more to say but I just can’t pull it together – I hope this makes some sort of sense. I hope that you continue to fight, for your wife, for your friends, for people who need a voice, but also for you. Somehow we keep on keeping on, moving from one dark night of the soul to the next, and long may it continue. Fuck Cameron, fuck injustice, fuck inequality, fuck neoliberalism, and fuck depression.

  • http://twitter.com/incurablehippie Philippa

    You are far from alone in having these feelings. You are very valuable to the world, and I’m glad you have your wife to live for. But I know what you mean, what it is to lose hope, and I’m sorry you’re in that place too. Hugs xx

  • http://twitter.com/AsViewedBy Osnat

    Right. I’m sorry if this sounds disjointed, but it really is just a collection of random thoughts.

    I stumbled on this through Twitter as well and all I can say is…amen to that. I know what it’s like from my own experience – just wanting the pain to stop and thinking that the only way out is death…as others have said, it’s pretty hard to take your own advice. I have the same problem as you when it comes to figuring out why other people want me around.
    Hugs and sympathy coming your way from this quarter. There are so many beautiful people out there like you, fighting for the same beautiful things and feeling the same emotions. We all need to support each other and then maybe we’ll get something done.

    At the risk of embarrassing you, people like you are an inspiration to me: people who fight for what they think is right, even if they don’t think they do that much, even if other people don’t care or laugh at them for their idealism.

    Stay strong and keep being honest. The world needs as many people like you as it can get.

  • Bev

    I have depression and anxiety and can identify with what you say. I follow you and your twitter friends and like Julianyon smile at your humour (a rare thing at the moment). Depression is awful and we would like respite from it. The effect that suicide would have on my family is the thing that keeps me going. I ring the samaritians and find them very helpful. You are not alone in these feelings.
    Please hang on in there. Best wishes to you and your wife.

  • Penny Mead

    I also follow you on twitter and find myself watching for you most days, what you say brings a whole range of emotions in me, some I understand and some I don’t. It is obvious from the replies on here that you are not alone in the emotions you express and I hope that helps at least a little.

  • http://twitter.com/Trishie_D Trish D

    I know from my own experience that suicidal thoughts are often not a desire to die. They’re a desire to escape the pressure, and the agony, and the stress. For me, the thing that saved me was watching a video of my family (who are very far away), and I think the effect was similar to the effect you experienced thinking about your wife – how could I cause pain to people I love?

    I’m sorry you’re going through such pain, but I’m so glad you didn’t hurt yourself.

  • http://twitter.com/sanabituranima Sanabitur Anima Mea

    I hope things get better for you. Your wife sounds like a good woman. I wish you both the best.

    I’ve been where you are mentally. I don’t know how I’d cope if I had chronic physical pain on top of it as well.

    You are a good person at heart. You deserve happiness. Please try to believe it.

  • Felicia-May Stevenson

    Ah Steven, I feel your pain.  I’ve been there many times over, and the feeling of helplessness and despair can sometimes make it difficult to breathe.  For many years now, it has been like suicide was a friend, a comforting thought.  Every time life got hard, I’d think about it.  I knew that if someday the sadness just got too big, I could at least do that.  I don’t think I ever truly wanted to die though, but it was comforting to know that I COULD if I wanted to.  In really dark times, I’d tell myself, oh I’ll do it tomorrow… maybe being a procratinator saved my life LOL.  Just don’t do it tonight, tomorrow might be better, and if it’s not, well you can think about it again, and then put it off one more day.

    Visit my blog and read my post “Passenger”,  maybe you will find comfort in my own struggles.

    http://feliciamaystevenson.blogspot.com/2011/09/passenger-revealing-look-into.html

    Much love, stay strong.

  • Guy

    Not wanting to put my loved ones through anguish is the only thing that has stopped me in the past. I keep getting waves of these urges to act on my feelings and they seem to be getting progressively worse each time. I want everything to be over, and I am starting to think that even though it will be painful for them at first, surely they would be end up being glad that I got what I wanted.
    Being with my fiancée normally helps me out of these dark places, but I am not sure that it will work forever.

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