Last chance to see Dark Night Rises in the local cinema tonight. Decide to go to half seven showing. Been playing Skyrim, stop to eat dinner. Food doesn’t taste right. It’s not the food, it’s me but can’t finish it. Feel a bit tired, a bit down. Decide to lie down for a bit. Think maybe shouldn’t go out after all.
Nearly time to go out. Want to see the film, but don’t want to go out. REALLY don’t want to go out. Don’t know why, just don’t. Karen is getting ready. Says I should too. Start to panic a bit. Say I can’t go. She’s still getting ready. Tell her again. Can’t go. Sorry. Sorry. I’m shit and stupid. Just can’t go. She tells me to sit up and put shoes on. Maybe I’ll be better once we get there. I put shoes on. Pack bag with medicine, blood sugar monitor, emergency stuff. See my satnav cradle and the rubber pipe i bought as a spacer, get sidetracked by trying to make it fit my tablet. I’m delaying really. Pretend to myself I haven’t noticed.
Time to go. Visit toilet first. More delay. Don’t want to go.
In the car. Body drives the car automatically while the mind says “don’t want to go don’t want to go don’t want to go you’re stupid for not wanting to go you’re shit.” Round and round. Endless loop. Turn music on. Happy but heavy music to drown out the thoughts.
Pull into car park. Engine off.
Don’t want to get out can’t move want to hide oh god why are there windows I’m exposed people might see me need to hide oh shit oh shit oh shit.
Karen is there. Holding my hand. Ignore windows. Focus on nice safe hand.
Why am I thinking this? I’m so stupid and pathetic and shit for thinking this. Karen says I’m not. I am. Useless too. Karen says she loves me. She shouldn’t, I’m shit. Can’t even go to see a film. I’m shit I’m skit I’m shit I’M SHIT. DON’T LOVE ME I’M SHIT.
Can’t cope with car park. No one there, but I’m exposed. Start car, drive home. Worried I’m not safe to drive but body drives automatically.
Get out. House is there. Go! Quickly! In door. Bed. Under duvet. Safe here. Safe. Heart beats. Shake. Cry.