Adventures in anxiety

Last chance to see Dark Night Rises in the local cinema tonight. Decide to go to half seven showing. Been playing Skyrim, stop to eat dinner. Food doesn’t taste right. It’s not the food, it’s me but can’t finish it. Feel a bit tired, a bit down. Decide to lie down for a bit. Think maybe shouldn’t go out after all.

Nearly time to go out. Want to see the film, but don’t want to go out. REALLY don’t want to go out. Don’t know why, just don’t. Karen is getting ready. Says I should too. Start to panic a bit. Say I can’t go. She’s still getting ready. Tell her again. Can’t go. Sorry. Sorry. I’m shit and stupid. Just can’t go. She tells me to sit up and put shoes on. Maybe I’ll be better once we get there. I put shoes on. Pack bag with medicine, blood sugar monitor, emergency stuff. See my satnav cradle and the rubber pipe i bought as a spacer, get sidetracked by trying to make it fit my tablet. I’m delaying really. Pretend to myself I haven’t noticed.

Time to go. Visit toilet first. More delay. Don’t want to go.

In the car. Body drives the car automatically while the mind says “don’t want to go don’t want to go don’t want to go you’re stupid for not wanting to go you’re shit.” Round and round. Endless loop. Turn music on. Happy but heavy music to drown out the thoughts.

Pull into car park. Engine off.

Freeze.

Don’t want to get out can’t move want to hide oh god why are there windows I’m exposed people might see me need to hide oh shit oh shit oh shit.

Karen is there. Holding my hand. Ignore windows. Focus on nice safe hand.

Freeze.

Why am I thinking this? I’m so stupid and pathetic and shit for thinking this. Karen says I’m not. I am. Useless too. Karen says she loves me. She shouldn’t, I’m shit. Can’t even go to see a film. I’m shit I’m skit I’m shit I’M SHIT. DON’T LOVE ME I’M SHIT.

Can’t cope with car park. No one there, but I’m exposed. Start car, drive home. Worried I’m not safe to drive but body drives automatically.

Park. Freeze.

Get out. House is there. Go! Quickly! In door. Bed. Under duvet. Safe here. Safe. Heart beats. Shake. Cry.

I’m shit.

Author: Latentexistence

The world is broken and I can't fix it because I am broken. I can, however, rant about it all and this is where I do that when I can get my thoughts together. Most of the time you'll find my words on Twitter rather than here though. I sometimes write for Where's The Benefit too.

4 thoughts on “Adventures in anxiety”

  1. You aren’t shit, but I know that it won’t be possible to convince you of that now. Can work on getting you to accept that there are lots of us who think you aren’t shit. I usually find that helps a little.

    *hugs*

    You are loved. You are appreciated. It is logically possible that we are all wrong to do so – but it is also logically possible that you are wrong to believe that we are wrong.

  2. It is hard enough to leave the house as a sick person who is alone a big chunk of time without throwing depression into the mix. I am not depressed. But when I’ve not left the house for a few days it is really hard to face the world. It is scarey. You are not shit. You are dealing with shit things. You will be ok, just not right this minute

  3. *Squishes* You’re not shit, you’re ill. There’s a massive difference, even if depression makes it hard for you to see it.

    It may be an idea to not push against it. It’s the normal way to deal with it, but for autistic people it can make it worse because the fear builds each time instead of lessening. It took a long time of not going on a bus before I could manage it without a panic attack- I’d been making the panic worse by trying to push through it and go on it despite the anxiety. Now I’m okay so long as I have music to cope with the noise.

    I love you. I hope one day the depression goes enough so you can see you’re not a bad person.

Comments are closed.