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Useless

January 8, 2012 By 5 Comments

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I don’t work any more. I can’t, even my self-employed efforts didn’t work out. I’m 33 years old. I’m supposed to be able to earn a living, to look after myself, to contribute to society. Instead I’m so sick that even Atos accepted that I can’t work and they put me in the ESA support group. Between the M.E. and the depression I’m stuck in the house nearly all of the time except when I am driven to a medical appointment or my parents house. I spend huge amounts of time in bed, except when everyone else is asleep, at which point I can’t sleep but I can often move around. The highlight of my day is complaining about politicians on twitter. If I’m doing really well I might even manage to write a blog post and have it read by a couple of hundred people. Big deal.

My purpose in life is to play computer games and whine on the internet. I’m useless.

 

Filed Under: Depression, Illness Tagged With: ,
  • SwearyGeek

    ((Hugs)) You’re not useless. My timeline would be much duller without your tweets. Hang in there.

  • http://www.stitchedtogether.co.uk Stitched Together

    You are not an object that has to have a purpose. You are person who alters the world by being part of it. Every time you interact with the world you change it. Whenever you tweet or blog your words have the power to alter the mood or opinion of your readers. If you enlighten one person and that one person enlightens someone else you have paid a big part in shaping the world in that moment and forever more. It is hard when you feel low to feel like you have to “contribute” but that is just modern society talking. We contribute to society and our family and friends simply by being part of their world.

    I know it is the depression talking, because I know how you are feeling. You are just feeling a little pummelled by life at the moment. If someone else said those things about their life, you’d tell them off sharpish. I’m sure you will remember soon that your value is not weighed on your salary but on who you are.

  • http://theagoraphobicjourneywoman.blogspot.com/ coffeecup

    You just described my life too except that I suffer from anxiety and I failed my ESA assessment. Oh, I don’t play computer games :( I enjoy reading your tweets, especially at night when I’m all alone and I can relate to your blog. I’m not sure what ‘contribution’ is supposed to be anymore. Some people are ‘contributing’ taxes and utterly miserable in dead end jobs. Is that all there is to life? To be a machine that makes money? I’ve had some years to think about this since becoming unwell. Personally, I think if you can just be content to be yourself, to accept yourself and to totally dismiss the expectations placed on you from other people and especially the way you have been conditioned to conform to this mythical ideal, you’re well on your way to happiness. Do what makes you feel good right now and don’t worry about fulfilling any other imposed expectations, especially if it’s because of that horrible rhetoric being spouted about at present. Please don’t be so hard on yourself x

  • Muminmeltdown

    I get where you are coming from, It’s been almost 3 yrs since I had to stop work ( a driving intructor). I can drive on good days as my car is automatic ( provided my concentration is there) but I suffer for it afterwards. I have 2 boys who need to get to clubs etc an OH works shifts and therefore isn’t always here!! I fill myself with Tramadol to get me up and around for a few hours a day, then I go back to bed. If I am out for any part of the day the rest is mainly spent in bed (that’s the part people don’t see). Recently I have struggled to keep depression at bay too as feel like a total failure. I don’t do video games but I have started to knit to hopefully strengthen my muscles in my hand…….again I suffer the next day for it!!

  • Ed

    Depression sucks Steven. But don’t feel useless. My dad is a very useful man, much more useful than me and his philosophy is everything and everyone is pointless. He is a nihilist furniture maker of sorts. I guess what i am trying to say is that it’s all a question of attitude. I often feel utterly useless but deep down i know i am not. And nor are you. I found your blog today and have been reading and its provided me with some use. Are you a linux man? I love linux. My macbook hard drive bust last week and im toying with NOT reinstalling OS X and having a snazzy looking linux machine instead.

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