Not much going on

It is now over a month since I last wrote anything on this blog. I’m used to writing weekly or even daily but my mind has just not been up to writing anything. I have still had discussions and come across ideas that make me want to write, but actually converting those thoughts into written words has been beyond me. In fact just about every task has been beyond me recently. I have always had a problem with completing tasks but with this depression I haven’t been able to even start most tasks. Asking me to do something is a guarantee that I won’t be able to.

The problem is that at the moment I don’t have any of my illnesses under control. My sleeping pattern is basically nocturnal, and adding on the extra hours that I need to get from waking up to actually moving I have been getting out of bed between about 3 and 5pm each day. My fatigue is generally worse when I’m awake, as is the drowsiness, and hours out of bed are very limited. My blood sugar is out of control whether I eat sensibly or not and most of the time I’m not eating sensibly because the more depressed I am the more rubbish I eat. And the depression. That’s pretty much back to crippling again. Can’t face anything, don’t want to talk to anyone, bouts of despair and thoughts of dying.

I have managed occasional distractions. I went to a party in London a few weeks ago. I visited family to help with their new house. I went out for the day last Saturday and helped buy a laptop.  I have driven to the shops and back. Even so, most of my time has been spent drowsy or asleep and not doing very much.

I know what I need to do. I need to start pacing, plan activity, and control my diet. The problem is, I can’t face doing that.

Back to sleep then.

Author: Latentexistence

The world is broken and I can't fix it because I am broken. I can, however, rant about it all and this is where I do that when I can get my thoughts together. Most of the time you'll find my words on Twitter rather than here though. I sometimes write for Where's The Benefit too.

2 thoughts on “Not much going on”

  1. Sorry to hear that you’re in a dark place mentally and physically at present.

    I came across your website a while back, and along with a few other sites, I check every day to see if you’ve posted and guessed that something must be wrong. I get so utterly bored with sitting here feeling similarly atrocious that it’s good to be able to identify with other disabled people.

    People say ‘get better soon’, but that’s not going to happen is it? All we can hope for are little windows of time when we’re just feeling ‘normal ill’ as opposed to ‘dreadfully ill’. It doesn’t help that we are all under so much pressure. I already knew our incomes would be slashed come next year, but I hadn’t predicted that the local authority would also slash my care plan by 80%, which will leave me very vulnerable. It’s triggered severe anxiety, anxiety that I’d just managed to get under control with therapy; now it’s back to square one.

    I’m not depressed yet, but no one can be under so much pressure over an extended period without descending into it.

    I really sympathize with your situation; I just hope you can find your ‘little windows’ again soon.

  2. Sorry to hear you’ve got the black dogs, think I’m falling victim to them. I can always tell when they’re on the way. I sleep too much!
    I think it probably won’t help but you should rise out of this in the end!

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