What are you afraid of?

Sitting at my computer – chatting, using twitter, writing a blog post.  Then suddenly it happens. A surge of fear. Heart thumping, pulse racing.

What are you afraid of?

I stop typing and sit back. Try to be calm. Think. What caused that? Why am I panicking? I don’t understand it.

What are you afraid of?

In my panic I stand up. Adrenaline strengthens my normally wobbly walking. I walk through the house. Remember that no one else is here. Then for no reason that I can think of I wonder where the cat is. She’s not on the bed, or the sofa. I stumble through the house, wobbly now, adrenaline or not. I don’t know what to do.

What are you afraid of?

I crash back into the living room. I find the cat sleeping on the floor next to the sofa. Relieved to find any living thing in the house, I fall down beside her. She glares at me.

What are you afraid of?

I put an arm around the cat, and my head on the floor. I close my eyes. My pulse is racing. Thumping. My head hurts. All the aching muscles that I had been resting after too much activity in the last few days are aching again. I reach for my phone, for twitter. Call out to anyone who is there. Friends are there. They are lovely, talking to me, helping me to calm down. The cat purrs a little, perhaps sensing my distress.

What are you afraid of?

Time passes. The floor is hard. The cat finishes purring and wanders off. I should move, but panic has left me exhausted. I have no energy.

What are you afraid of?

There is a fluffy polar bear behind me. I more to put my head on it. I lie there helpless.

What are you afraid of?

Then, at last, I hear a key in the door. Footsteps. A voice calls out.

Then help to sit on the sofa. Hugs. A cup of tea.

Feeling stupid, foolish.

What are you afraid of? I only wish that I knew.

What would it be like?

What would it be like to be well, I wonder?

What would it be like to wake up in the morning
and actually wake up instead of feeling groggy and hungover?
What would it be like to be able to open my eyes when I want to?
To get out of bed without wondering if I will be able to stand up?
What would it be like to not have the crushing weight
of fatigue forcing itself down on my shoulders?
What would it be like?

What would it be like to be free of pain –
for my legs not to ache as though I have just run a marathon
when in fact I have not left my bed in days?
What would it be like for the aching, burning, endless pain to go away?
What would it be like to go without the constant headache,
to skip the frequent migraines,
to get rid of the pain in my sinuses?
What would it be like?

What would it be like for my head to remain clear,
even for just one day?
For my mind to be my own instead of refusing to obey me,
forgetting words, failing to finish sentences,
refusing to pass my ideas from thought to keyboard?
What would it be like to know that I could go to work and do my job
all day without having to give up half way through?
What would it be like to tell people I will do something
and know that I can actually do it,
that I won’t crash out in pain with broken promises?
What would it be like?

What would it be like to be well?
I don’t know what it would be like. I can’t remember any more.

Booting up

*****Human OS version 1.0*****

(c) 1978

Running Power On Self Check

Return to hospital to run setup

Testing memory………..Memory mode not optimal. Brain fog found.

Testing limbs………..Left leg: Failed. Right Leg: Failed. Left Arm: Failed. Right Arm: Slow response.

Warning: limbs not responding. Move any limb to continue.

Testing network connection……… Twitter found. Warning: network too fast.

Please insert tablets………Tablets found.

Fatal Error: Coffee not found. Abort, Retry, Ignore?

Timeout. Returning to sleep mode.