Worth

April 6, 2011 By 4 Comments

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I haven’t written a blog post for a couple of days. I feel bad about that. I feel like I have let people down because I know that I have expectant readers, but I also know that they will say it’s fine. I also feel like I have let myself down, and that one is true. You see, writing on my blog is therapy for me. It allows me to collect my thoughts, and arrive at conclusions, it gives me some purpose while the only other thing that I have to do is lie in bed and think about pain or get depressed. It also makes me happy when my blog helps other people to understand, or provide a way for other people to get their friends to understand them. It makes me happy when I look at my stats and see that one or two hundred people have read what I wrote, because that means it was worthwhile.

I am reminded of a character called Nutt from Terry Pratchett’s book Unseen Academicals. Nutt is an orc, although he has been told that he is a goblin and sent into society to see if he will fit in. Nutt was told that he must strive to acquire worth, and throughout the book he constantly asks the question “Have I worth?”

Being sick at home has stripped me of the things that I felt gave me worth. I can’t work, my father is running our business without me. I can’t even answer his questions when he comes to me for help. I’m not a Christian any more so I don’t lead worship (the music) at church. I’ve not been playing computer games much until this week, so I have been away from the gaming clan that I run and not there leading it, organising it. All these things gave me a purpose, and a sense of achievement and they have all been on hold. Even my internet-based political activism has been wound down slightly this week, as I have had too much brainfog to join the Armchair Army in bombarding everyone with messages about the NHS changes.

I know that it isn’t really those things that give me worth, that each person has worth in their own right. I think what I really need from my activity is purpose. If I can find a purpose in my activities, especially if they are activities that I can do while sick or recovering, then I can ignore some of the bad stuff in my life.

This has accidentally turned into an honest insight into my mind. I’m not actually sure that I want to post it, but I’m going to anyway. Because then I can feel better for having written something for my blog. :-)

Filed Under: Depression, Illness Tagged With: , , ,
  • http://twitter.com/nikotome Niko Tomé

    Hi Steve; I must say we have all felt like that, somehow we manage to stand up again and keep fighting with all that uncertainty. Have you met more people with your disease? Maybe there is some kind of association or group that can help you find a motivation.

    Cheer up! I’m sure you can fight adversity and win!

  • http://godlessfaith.blogspot.com/ Sam Barnett-Cormack

    I’m in the process of composing a post for my recently-started blog, and that post will be looking at issues of disability (and welfare reform) from a non-theist Quaker perspective. I don’t mean to self-promote, and as such no link being posted, but I mention this because I feel like you’ve just given me some real food for thought on this issue at just the right time.

    See, as a Quaker, the idea of inherent worth in everyone is a fairly fundamental thing - the traditional, Christian-derived term is “that of God in everyone”. Being a non-theist, the best and most understandable alternative I can come up with is “that of the divine in everyone”, where ‘divine’ doesn’t mean things to do with deities, but instead means some abstract concept of rightness, value, and so on. This means that there’s worth in everyone. Some people, a lot of us spoonies, don’t feel that we’re worth very much, and while anyone with theistic beliefs can get some consolation from that (“at least God values me”), it’s harder when you don’t believe in a God… so, the way I think people should act (and yes, it’s based on Quaker principles, but I think it would be good for non-Quakers to do it as well) is based on the idea that everyone has worth - and some people don’t see their own worth, because of all sorts of problems. The way we help to uphold and uplift those people should be to show them their worth - not tell them they have worth, particularly not “don’t worry, God values you”, but demonstrate it. In a sense, that’s where the Government gets frustratingly close to a sensible point - all disabled people should be given a chance, supported (even financially) in opportunities, to show worth. Your blog shows your worth; I think my involvement in various groups, including a national Quaker charity for young adults (as in 18-30s), show some of my worth. When people have jobs, that can help to show their worth, and that’s one thing about it that’s good for even the disabled. Where a person can’t work, keep supporting them, but help to facilitate involvement in things that allow us to show ourselves our worth.

    *ahem* - *looks at the wall of text he just wrote* - um, sorry to waffle…

  • http://twitter.com/robbsart Robert Carswell

    you’ve gone 3,4 or 5 steps further than I ever could. Those leading from your head to actually posting it onto a blog. (1) Register on a blog ID, (2) Log-in, (3) Type it up, (4) Spell check, grammar, etc, (5) Then have courage to post.
    Be proud you’ve done it, but not for the sake of it. It means a lot more to people

  • http://twitter.com/a6ruled Richard

    many many people. myself included, could write something similar about similar sentiments but without the ‘excuse’ of serious long-term illness - that’s not to diminish your worries of course but you’re far from alone

    also, i didn’t know about Unseen Academicals which is now sitting happily in my amazon basket so thanks for that