Sitting at my computer - chatting, using twitter, writing a blog post. Then suddenly it happens. A surge of fear. Heart thumping, pulse racing.
What are you afraid of?
I stop typing and sit back. Try to be calm. Think. What caused that? Why am I panicking? I don’t understand it.
What are you afraid of?
In my panic I stand up. Adrenaline strengthens my normally wobbly walking. I walk through the house. Remember that no one else is here. Then for no reason that I can think of I wonder where the cat is. She’s not on the bed, or the sofa. I stumble through the house, wobbly now, adrenaline or not. I don’t know what to do.
What are you afraid of?
I crash back into the living room. I find the cat sleeping on the floor next to the sofa. Relieved to find any living thing in the house, I fall down beside her. She glares at me.
What are you afraid of?
I put an arm around the cat, and my head on the floor. I close my eyes. My pulse is racing. Thumping. My head hurts. All the aching muscles that I had been resting after too much activity in the last few days are aching again. I reach for my phone, for twitter. Call out to anyone who is there. Friends are there. They are lovely, talking to me, helping me to calm down. The cat purrs a little, perhaps sensing my distress.
What are you afraid of?
Time passes. The floor is hard. The cat finishes purring and wanders off. I should move, but panic has left me exhausted. I have no energy.
What are you afraid of?
There is a fluffy polar bear behind me. I more to put my head on it. I lie there helpless.
What are you afraid of?
Then, at last, I hear a key in the door. Footsteps. A voice calls out.
Then help to sit on the sofa. Hugs. A cup of tea.
Feeling stupid, foolish.
What are you afraid of? I only wish that I knew.
