Broken thoughts

Brain not working.
Stressed. Worried. Don’t know why.
Can’t cope with anything. Anything at all.
Give up. Go to make coffee.
Coffee powder, coffee press. Wait for kettle.
Thinking.

“Kill yourself.”

Tiny words, hit me hard.
Stagger. Grab work surface to stay upright.

“KILL YOURSELF.”

NO!

Panic. Start to fall. Grab hold.
Hyperventilate. Tears. Can’t see, can’t think.

Time passes. Tears fall.

Legs hurt. Arms hurt. Still unsteady.
Frozen thoughts. Fear. Can’t break out.
Focus. Coffee.

Pause.

Pour the kettle. Make the coffee. Not thinking. Mustn’t think.
Mug, stick; stagger to bedroom.
Bed. Duvet. Hide.

Hide.

What are you afraid of?

Sitting at my computer – chatting, using twitter, writing a blog post. ┬áThen suddenly it happens. A surge of fear. Heart thumping, pulse racing.

What are you afraid of?

I stop typing and sit back. Try to be calm. Think. What caused that? Why am I panicking? I don’t understand it.

What are you afraid of?

In my panic I stand up. Adrenaline strengthens my normally wobbly walking. I walk through the house. Remember that no one else is here. Then for no reason that I can think of I wonder where the cat is. She’s not on the bed, or the sofa. I stumble through the house, wobbly now, adrenaline or not. I don’t know what to do.

What are you afraid of?

I crash back into the living room. I find the cat sleeping on the floor next to the sofa. Relieved to find any living thing in the house, I fall down beside her. She glares at me.

What are you afraid of?

I put an arm around the cat, and my head on the floor. I close my eyes. My pulse is racing. Thumping. My head hurts. All the aching muscles that I had been resting after too much activity in the last few days are aching again. I reach for my phone, for twitter. Call out to anyone who is there. Friends are there. They are lovely, talking to me, helping me to calm down. The cat purrs a little, perhaps sensing my distress.

What are you afraid of?

Time passes. The floor is hard. The cat finishes purring and wanders off. I should move, but panic has left me exhausted. I have no energy.

What are you afraid of?

There is a fluffy polar bear behind me. I more to put my head on it. I lie there helpless.

What are you afraid of?

Then, at last, I hear a key in the door. Footsteps. A voice calls out.

Then help to sit on the sofa. Hugs. A cup of tea.

Feeling stupid, foolish.

What are you afraid of? I only wish that I knew.